


crossing lines

by ordanary



Series: PFF Bingo [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, supressed feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-02 09:59:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ordanary/pseuds/ordanary
Summary: They’ve been fake married for four years, and as their contract is coming to an end, Dan wonders if now might be the best time to tell Phil he’s been in love with him since 09.





	crossing lines

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya ! This fic is dedicated to @philliebf cause I showed her how far behind I was on my bingo fics and she said “YOKES”, which really inspired me to finish this asshole of a fic. Bless ur soul, Claire. 
> 
> No, but in all seriousness, Claire is always there to motivate me when I’m down and don’t wanna write (whether she knows it or not), so this is totally for her. Thanks, big sis. 
> 
> This fic was written for the ‘unrequited love’, ‘fake married’, ‘2012’, and ‘bedsharing’ squares of my phandom fic fests bingo card. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Phil’s kind of a dick half way though and kinda manipulates Dan, but all is resolved. Message me on tumblr (@ordanary) if you find anymore !!

Love was a very tricky thing to define, Dan reckoned. It was more than enjoying someone’s company, and less than complete and unhealthy infatuation. It landed somewhere in between, though he wasn’t sure where. 

Six years ago, he would’ve said it was a pulling feeling in your chest that brings you to your knees and makes you struggle for air, but now he’d describe it as more of a dull ache. It was there, but it wasn’t . . . painful anymore. It was tolerable, something he could cover with a bandage and pretend wasn’t there most times. 

It had definitely been horribly painful at first, though. When Dan had first started talking with Phil Lester –or AmazingPhil, as Dan had known him, it had been all butterflies and stomach swirls. He’d been so overcome by excitement and fear at this new sensation that he’d nearly let it eat him whole. 

He’d tried for months to get his attention, tell him just how he felt for Phil, communicate how their Skype calls made his heart beat faster and their late night phone conversations made his chest fuzzy. He’d tried, and tried, and tried. 

But Phil hadn’t been interested in him like that. 

Even as they’d laid underneath Phil’s blue and green comforter, Dan wrapped in the latter’s clothes and tucked under his chin, there’d been nothing there for him. Dan had been heartbroken for quite some time, convinced his only shot at love had just been thrown onto the cold floor and brutally stomped on by the boot of Phil Lester. Those had been hard times for him, but Phil had seemed just fine, so he supposed it was okay. He’d be okay. 

Two years later and they were living together in Manchester, a decision made due to the chemistry the two seemed to have, though just not the way Dan had ever hoped. The way he felt was still as present as ever, just shoved in a box and hidden in the back of his mind. He’d only ever reopen that box when he needed it, needed a harsh reminder that life isn’t a fairytale, but it’s fine. He could still make it through mostly unscathed. 

Twenty twelve was when things started getting really tough, though. They’d slowly began gaining a following in the YouTube community, and then everything had gotten way out of hand all at once. 

The recognition was fine at first– fun, even. And then the shipping had commenced. At first it was the rare ‘phanart’ that Dan would stumble upon during one of his nightly tumblr excursions, and then the numbers had skyrocketed and suddenly there were more stories and artworks than either of them could count. Dan had liked it in the beginning. He’d seen it as an escape, a little fantasy world he could run off to courtesy of their wonderful fans. If he couldn’t be with Phil in reality then he could surely be with him through the eyes of these fans, right? 

But then it’d taken a turn and become the only thing anyone ever wanted to talk to him about. Neither he or Phil could do a live show without someone asking if phan was real, or if he and Phil had feelings for each other. It was easy enough to ignore when it started, but like many things, their subscribers just wouldn’t let it go. It served as a constant reminder of what wasn’t real, the relationship that only existed in Dan’s head and Dan’s head alone. 

So naturally, it eventually drove him absolutely mad. He was sick of being put on the spot like this, being told that he was lying when no, there definitely wasn’t anything romantic going on between him and Phil. Regardless of how badly he wished they were, Dan and Phil weren’t a couple. They probably never would be. His eighteen year old self had gotten over that mostly, so why couldn't his audience do the same? He just wanted them to let it go. 

Nothing seemed to get better from that point on. 

His internal conflict and pissy attitude regarding suggestions that he was anything but straight had landed him being quite the dick to Phil, something he’d never intended. He’d been so guarded, so protective of his own ego and secrets that he’d forgotten what it was like to smile sincerely anymore, thus resulting in the same for Phil. 

The aforementioned had approached him one night to talk about it, let him know that he was being to overprotective, that it was okay to be vulnerable. Something about that conversation had made the bubbling anger inside his chest subside, allowing him to take a breath and apologize to the one person he’d never once meant to hurt. 

So over the next few months, he’d tried to mend the gap he’d torn between him and his well intentioned audience. He was kinder, worked on laughing off personal questions rather than going off on a tangent about them. Slowly but surely, things eventually went back to normal, at least for the most part. He was still wounded, though. It still hurt Dan to see art of something he wished was a reality, but he’d make it through, he knew he would. 

It wasn’t until twenty fourteen when things started to really pick up again. They were now in a bigger London flat, comfortable as friends and living the way they pleased. Fan speculation was still at a high, but they didn’t seem to care nearly as much. Everything was good. Great, even. 

The two had been invited to a YouTube party at some fancy rented banquet hall, and the only reason they’d even agreed to attend was because a few of their closest friends would be there, too. Neither Dan nor Phil were too active in the party scene, but they’d be able to go off in a corner and eat finger foods by themselves for hours, so it wouldn’t be too bad. 

“Do I look okay?” Phil asked Dan, stepping out of his room in one of his usual plaid button downs and a pair of illegally tight black skinny jeans. 

Dan nodded, ripping his eyes away from the exposed and no doubt soft skin of Phil’s collarbone and meeting Phil’s own eyes instead. “Yeah, you look amazing, Phil,” he said truthfully, his mouth feeling a bit dry. 

So maybe he still had yet to conquer his feelings. Maybe Dan was still keeping them in that box, storing them away in the some dark and too frequently visited corner until he somehow found the courage to burn it once and for all. But for whatever reason, he didn’t think that would be happening anytime soon. 

Phil laughed, shaking his head. “Quit it with the AmazingPhil jokes, it’s been five years,” he chuckled, rolling his eyes before picking up their keys from the hutch and slipping on his sneakers. “You ready?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah.” 

The party was boring as suspected, with a ton of enthusiastic party people and very few who actually wanted conversation over a drunk version of The Macarena. Louise had shown up at some point, making quick and excited small talk with the boys before immersing herself in the crowd and getting piss drunk like everyone else present. Next had come Pj, who had apparently been there all along yet had been unable to find Dan or Phil, a difficult feat seeing as they were both glued to the snack table. 

He’d been quite tipsy as well, dragging along an unimpressed but amused version of their manager and babbling on about some collab he wanted to do so badly. When he noticed Dan and Phil, he was all smiles, wrapping them both up in a tight hug and exclaiming their names loudly. 

“You’re here!” He said loudly over the music. “I didn’t see you!”

Phil chuckled. “We didn’t see you either, Peej.”

He nodded thoughtfully, looking suddenly conflicted. “I was talking to Zoe, I think. Sorry.”

The two said quick hellos to their manager before turning their attention back to Pj. Neither of them had ever particularly liked her all that much. She was very impulsive and often got her way, though she was luckily also very good at doing her job. 

“What about?” Asked Dan curiously. Phil gave him a confused look, but he didn’t see. 

Pj cocked his head to the side, wracking his brain for the subject of his earlier conversation. Knowing him, it was probably about the endless possibilities of a cardboard box, or something of the like. He perked up, eyes reanimating as he seemingly remembered. “Oh! We were discussing publicity stunts!” He exclaimed. “Some sticky stuff, there.”

Their manager’s interest seemed to pique at the mention of those two words like candy in her business. Dan wouldn’t be surprised at all if she suggested they both reveal fake girlfriends within the next few days. It was how her mind worked, he knew that by now. 

“Oh?” Challenged Phil, also interested. 

“Yeah, we were talking about who should get fake married on YouTube. You can make a lot of money through fake relationships, you know,” advised Pj, as if this was news at all. It really wasn’t, and Dan figured most of the world would be shocked if they knew just how often relationships were faked on the platform. It was insane, and Dan didn’t want any part in it. 

He nodded anyway, choosing to go along with Pj’s nearly drunk rambling rather than burst his bubble. “Yeah, I bet.”

“You and Phil could totally get married,” the latter announced nonchalantly. “It’s legal now, right?” 

Ignoring both Dan and Phil’s taken aback expressions, their manager was already invested, poking her head in a bit further. “Yes, as of March thirteenth.”

Dan laughed awkwardly, stepping back a bit and shaking his head in protest. “No thanks.”

He chanced a glance over to Phil, who at the moment looked just as scared as he was. The conversation would be no big deal if it were just them and Pj, but their manager was there, and they knew she always got what she wanted. They just hoped this wasn’t one of those times. 

Thankfully, the subject of conversation changed when Pj spotted something from across the dance floor, going off on a tangent about hula skirts or . . . something like that. He was talking so fast that neither Dan nor Phil could really tell. However they both allowed themselves to relax now, seeing as their manager was busy on her phone and Pj was just a little too far gone to stay on one steady topic for too long at a time. 

“The cheese is so good!” Exclaimed Pj over the loud thrum of the bass, picking some up from the snack table and turning it over in his hands as if he’d just found gold. 

Phil cringed, his nose crinkling as he shook his head. “No, Peej. Cheese is bad.”

The aforementioned looked as though he’d been shot in the chest, eyes going wide as he slowly brought the sliced cheese to his lips. “I think it’s good,” he said, voice now barely audible. 

Laughing at his peers’ behaviour, Dan gently elbowed Phil’s side. “Shut up, Phil. If Pj says the cheese is good then I believe him.”

Banter continued for a few minutes longer, the topic changing multiple times before their manager lifted her head quickly to interrupt them. 

“I think we should do it,” she spoke out of nowhere. 

They all looked to her in confusion, brows raised. 

“The marriage, I mean. It’d do wonders for both of your channels, and being gay makes you more likeable in the eyes of teenagers.”

Dan scoffed. “We’re not getting married! Are you serious?”

She nodded, now seeming unsure of why her clients weren’t already signing the papers and writing their vows. “Dan, we could make a short contract, and besides, it wouldn’t be real.”

“That’s the point!” He exclaimed. “I don’t want my first marriage to be a sham!” 

She didn’t respond, instead looking to Phil for his opinion. He looked zoned out before snapping back and widening his eyes. “No fucking way. If Dan says no, then you know it’s a no from me, too,” he stated firmly. 

Looking utterly defeated, their manager threw her hands up in the air in front of her. “Come on! You’d bring in such a bigger audience. And people already think you two are dating, so why not bring their fantasies to life?”

Dan shook his head, unimpressed and quite frankly pissed off. It almost felt as if she was mocking him, proposing they get fake-married when he couldn’t even get Phil to feel real feelings for him. Why couldn’t anyone ever let it be? Why was everyone always bringing up the shipping, or making him feel like everyone was laughing at him behind his back? It wasn’t fair, and it made his lips turn into a sour frown and his fists clench at his sides in anger. 

Deciding he was done with this stupid conversation, he stormed off in the direction of the exit, not even bothering to say goodbye to Pj, his pushy manager, or his best friend. He didn’t even care if Phil didn’t follow him out, he just needed some fucking air. 

He was only standing outside on the sidewalk a few seconds before Phil was pushing the door open as well and moving to stand beside him, looking unsettled, to say the least. 

Great, Dan thought. So the idea of only falsely being together repulsed him. Lovely. 

“Do you want me to call a taxi?” Asked Phil, reaching into his back pocket to retrieve his cellphone and awaiting Dan’s answer. 

Dan grunted in response, nodding a bit. He was too mad to respond verbally, but Phil seemed to understand, dialing the familiar number and calling them a car. It wasn’t long before they were back home again, Dan having immediately stormed off to his bedroom and gone to sleep. He didn’t even bother saying goodnight to Phil, even though he had no real reason to be cross with him. It wasn’t Phil’s fault that their manager was so publicity-driven, so hell bent on growing their platform for her own benefit. Phil wasn’t to blame for any of that, but Dan couldn’t find it in himself to care either way. 

Things went back to normal the next day when they woke up, Phil having waited for him before getting coffee and cereal for them both. He really was the best friend Dan could ever ask for, and he immediately felt bad for treating him poorly last night. 

It was only a week later when they were called into a business meeting with their manager and her team. She’d devoted her entire week to writing out a contract, one that if signed would entail four years of marriage, at least two videos per month flaunting their fabricated relationship in some form, and no seeing other people within said time limit. There were plenty of other minor rules, but that wasn’t what either Dan or Phil were worried about.

The former had gotten so heated that he’d stormed out again, only this time, Phil had stayed behind. Dan didn’t want to think about what that might mean, that his best friend could possibly be considering marrying him for publicity. It was preposterous, and he couldn’t even fathom sinking so low as to sign such a vile contract. 

Dan had been mostly silent with Phil over the next few days, worriedly pacing his bedroom floor and hoping that Phil would just let it go– that he wasn’t actually considering this outcome for them. 

“It wouldn’t be so bad, Dan,” spoke Phil out of nowhere one evening during dinner. 

Dan felt his shoulders tense against the soft cushion of his sofa crease. The latter had brought it up a few times every now and then over the previous week, but never wording it in either a good or bad light. He’d just seemed neutral, uninterested, even.

Dan swallowed his mouthful of brown rice, dropping his fork in the bowl. “Please tell me you’re not suggesting we do this, please,” he begged, his eyes pleading with Phil’s ocean blue ones. 

The worst part was that he knew he wouldn’t have the willpower to say no if Phil wanted to get married. He loved him too much to refuse what he wanted, even if he knew it would only hurt himself in the long run, especially when it was all over. 

“I just think it wouldn’t be so bad,” said Phil, his voice small and his eyes wavering. “I think we’d be able to do it without it being awkward, y’know?”

Dan wanted to cry, he really did. Phil didn’t know, he didn’t understand. How could he when even Dan didn’t understand how he was still as infatuated as the day he’d met Phil? God, Dan would give his whole life for him and he’d only ever see it as a friendly favour. It made him want to scream until he no longer could, throw things until every possession they owned was in pieces on the floor. 

But he wouldn’t, because he couldn’t bring himself to do that. 

“But what if it’ll make things awkward for me?” Dan asked, pretty much whining at this point. 

Phil’s eyes finally met his, and he could see the sincerity in them as he spoke his next words. “You know I’ll never force you into this. This is the next four years of your life, Dan, and if you don’t want this then I’m not going to make you sign that contract. All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t hate pretending with you.”

Less than a month later and they were signing the next four years of their lives over to a fake marriage that would mean absolutely nothing to Phil and absolutely everything to Dan. He kept telling himself he’d make it through, though. He had to. 

The wedding was late March, as soon as they could get it over with after same sex marriage was legalized. It was small, and Dan was thankful for that. They didn’t write special vows, or personalize any part of the ceremony. When it came time for speeches, only Martyn, Phil’s older brother said any words, most of which were just good lucks. Everyone in their families knew it was fake, and that they were under no circumstances allowed to tell anyone about it, ever. It was why Dan’s parents failed to show up, disapproving of everything he’d done regardless of his hours and hours of crying over the phone and begging them to forgive him. 

They didn’t, though, and Dan supposed he’d have to live with that. 

There was a honeymoon, all for convincing the fans, of course. They basically spent the entire week following their fake-wedding avoiding each other in a hotel suite in Japan, and then it was over and they were flying back home to do the exact same thing in the comfort of their own apartment. 

Explaining everything to their audience had been one of the hardest parts. At first, everyone had assumed they were joking, trying to prank their viewers into cruelly believing there was more to their friendship like they’d been suspecting for years. Eventually, though, they’d understood that this wasn’t just some cruel joke– at least not for them. For Dan, however, it was like being given something he really wanted only to have it ripped from his hands every five seconds when no one was looking. He hated it, but he quickly learned to accept it. If he really was in this for four years, then he didn’t want to be miserable the entire time. 

Their first kiss had been rehearsed, awkwardly practised while they sat on Dan’s bed before making a video for his channel. His stomach had been filled with bubbles, his heart beating extra fast while he tried to make himself seem relaxed. 

Kissing Phil had been as wonderful as he’d expected, only to Phil it’d only been for show. Still, Dan cherished it, held it close to his heart and then hid it away in that little box with all of his other romantic feelings towards his best friend. From that point on, they’d had to kiss on screen and in front of a camera more than most porn stars, but it was a part of their contract that they couldn’t ignore, so they just stayed quiet and accepted. 

By the end of the first year, Dan was completely emotionally exhausted, to say the very least. 

Everything that he’d dreamt of since two thousand and nine was now a reality, only none of it was real and it was tearing him apart. There were all these first times and what should’ve been exciting milestones for them as a couple, only it was robbed of any sincerity by the fact that it was only ever to please an audience. 

Sleeping in the same bed, however, was one thing that wasn’t new to the two men who’d done it on multiple occasions when they were younger and absolutely inseparable friends. It wasn’t that they weren’t now, but they were also adults, and adults sleep in separate beds from their best friends, no matter how close they are. 

But now they had expectations and contract laws to abide by, so whenever they had to sleep in a hotel, two beds just wasn’t an option. They couldn’t risk someone in booking growing suspicious, or any hotel room service who might know them from YouTube seeing their separate beds and thinking their marriage was going south. That wouldn’t happen until the contract was up. 

The first hotel night, Dan had offered to sleep on the pull out sofa, offering Phil the bigger bed like he always would. Phil had at first accepted, though sceptical of Dan’s decision. It was only when the latter’s feet had been dangling off the end of the sofa, blanket barely covering his entire body, that Phil’d had enough. 

“This is ridiculous, Dan. You’re falling off the bed!” He complained, sitting up in his too big bed. 

Dan shook his head, pulling the blanket up closer to his chin and consequently leaving his ankles and down exposed to the cold air. “No, I’m fine. Goodnight.”

“Dan,” Phil spoke firmly. “Just come up here and sleep with me. Please?”

The entire reason Dan hadn’t wanted to sleep in that big bed with Phil was because he was trying to protect himself. He didn’t want to wake up tucked against the latter’s chest like he always did when they were younger. He didn’t want to make this anymore real than it needed to be off screen, if for no other reason than to preserve his dignity. Phil may not have known of his ever-present infatuation, but Dan was always painfully aware of it. He couldn’t ever risk letting himself slip. 

Only they had a panel tomorrow morning, and his back was already killing him from only being on the uncomfortable couch for twenty minutes. Much to his dismay, he knew that if he slept there he’d be absolutely no fun the next day, and that’d be a loss for both him and their audience. 

So he begrudgingly sat up, huffing a sigh the entire way as he pulled with him his pillow and blanket to the left side of their queen sized bed. Phil waited for him to settle in beside him, nearly falling off the edge with how far he was to the side opposite him before he turned out the light, mumbling an unimpressed ‘goodnight’ that Dan didn’t bother returning. 

To his horror, when he’d woken up the next morning they’d been pressed together as if they really were a couple, and Dan had been lightning quick to move away. From that point on, they hadn’t bothered arguing over who would take the bed and who would take the sofa, if there even was one in their room. They slept together just like in the beginning of their relationship, and every night was just another tug at Dan’s almost completely broken heart. 

It was mid twenty sixteen when it finally sunk in that the pretending really never stops. Even when they weren’t filming or at an event, the two were told to write mushy tweets about one another, hold hands when they went outside, and have couple-y stories ready whenever someone might ask during a liveshow or while on stage. 

Phil was starting to show his exhaustion too, now, and in typical Phil fashion, he presented in the form of being a complete twat at least five days of the week. He didn’t cope with stress well, and much like Dan with his unspoken-of depression, he dealt with their marriage with offensive jokes and generally dickish behaviour when the camera was no longer rolling. 

He’d never been one for crossing the lines of their friendship before, but the contract really was getting to him, too, and his usually caring attitude had gone mostly out the window over the first few months of their third year under contract. 

Dan could handle it mostly, though. He could understand how stressful the entire situation was for them both, and he could tolerate being snapped at every once in a while. But the casual jokes about their relationship were where he drew the line even bolder. Maybe they’d be funny in a world where he wasn’t absolutely in love with Phil, but this wasn’t that world, and all they ever did was hurt him. 

“Wanna make out?” Phil asked one evening as they were each on their laptops, some random animé turned on low in the background. Phil had been complaining of being bored that entire night, and Dan knew it was only a matter of time before he suggested having another fake Twitter conversation to pass the time, or taking some couple-y photos to post to their instagrams. But this, this was just cruel. 

Dan looked up from his laptop, fists clenching around the fabric of his blanket while he glared daggers at Phil. “Excuse me?”

Phil shrugged. “I’m bored.”

He wanted to scream now, tell him that this wasn’t just some game to play when he was bored. He couldn’t believe that his kind and considerate Phil had taken such a turn for the worst under the pressure of this goddamn marriage and all he could do was watch from the sidelines feeling like a kicked puppy who was still so hopelessly in love with him. He almost wanted to hit him. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He exclaimed, done with trying to keep his cool. “I’m not a toy, Phil! I’m an actual person with feelings, have you ever thought of that?”

Phil looked like he was going to say something, try to defend himself, but Dan wasn’t having any of it. 

“Remember in twenty twelve when I turned into this huge, defensive dick and you absolutely hated it? Do you remember how hurt you were?” Phil’s eyes softened in shame, surely knowing what was coming next. “Well that’s what you’re doing to me right now, Phil. I’m your best friend and I can’t fucking stand this anymore.”

He stood up then, too upset to hear whatever defenses Phil might try to use. He stormed off to his room, slamming the door loudly before collapsing on his bed in a heap of tears and complete emotional exhaustion. He was so spent, so terrified of what their relationship would be like after the contract was through. He’d never in a million years wanted to lose his best friend, but was keeping him after this even an option anymore? It was no question that he couldn’t stand the man Phil had become lately, and the worst part was that he still loved him. He still wanted Phil to be close to him and share everything with him until one of them either died or found someone new to do that with. Dan knew it wouldn’t be him, though. He was too far gone for that. 

It was nearly an hour later when there was a small knock at Dan’s bedroom door, followed by his favourite voice calling his name quietly. 

Dan ignored it. He still didn’t want to talk to Phil yet, and he’d been doing just fine locked in his room. But knowing Phil, he wouldn’t give up on trying to apologize to Dan, and the aforementioned already knew that he’d forgive him. He always did. 

“Dan, please,” Phil begged from behind his door, knocking a few times more. He still didn’t answer, but he did make his way over to the door, pressing the weight of his back against the white wood before slowly sliding down to sit on the floor. It was a few moments later, but eventually he heard Phil do the same, no doubt sitting on the exact opposite side from him. 

He didn’t want to talk right now, but he was okay with listening, he thought. 

“I’m really sorry for being such a dick lately,” said Phil, his tone sincere yet small. He knew he’d fucked up. “You don’t deserve that.”

Dan leaned his head against the door, wanting so badly to open the door and make up with him already but knowing he needed to let Phil apologize in full. For Phil and for himself. 

“Things are just getting really hard right now, and I know it’s not an excuse, but this is just the stupid way I cope. I know it’s childish, and rude, and crosses so many lines, but I never meant to hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry, Dan.”

Dan opened his mouth, hesitating to speak before allowing himself those few short words. “You are hurting me.”

Phil was silent a few seconds before Dan could hear him shuffling a bit on the other side. “I know.” He paused. “And I’ll try my hardest to stop, because it’s the last thing I want for us. I don’t want to lose my best friend ‘cause I’m being an asshole.”

Dan nodded, though he knew Phil couldn’t see. He’d said enough though at this point, and he thought it was okay to forgive him now. Pushing up off the cold floor, Dan stood to his feet before unlocking his door and pulling it open. Phil was now standing, probably having heard the commotion of Dan getting up. He looked just as upset as Dan, and his nervously fiddling hands and wide eyes were just enough to make Dan forgive him fully. 

Without words, Dan opened his arms, the older man not hesitating one bit to step forward and pull him to his chest. Dan melted against his familiar warmth, breathing in the comforting scent of his best friend and wrapping his arms around Phil’s middle tightly, never wanting to let go of this moment. In reality, he knew things would go back to shit within another week when one or both of them got pissy again, but he’d be able to deal as long as they were in it together. 

“Please don’t let go,” Dan pleaded. 

Phil squeezed his shoulders tighter, but he also seemed to understand that Dan wasn’t just talking about the hug. “I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

And he really did keep to his word from that point on. It took awhile, but their friendship slowly faded back to normal, and eventually Dan and Phil were laughing and smiling with each other just like they usually did. 

The ride was still bumpy, and there really wasn’t an entire month when one of them didn’t need either space or a ginormous hug from the other, but everything was beginning to workout fine again. There were still awkward moments, of course, and times when a request from their manager regarding their fake marriage made them both feel incredibly uncomfortable, but they were a team again. And really, that was all Dan could’ve asked for. 

By February the next year, both could safely say they had their best friend back. There were no more terrible arguments, no more hurtful comments, or days when they went without speaking. Everything was fine, to say the least, and perhaps Dan was even happy again. 

That realization had been even more startling when he’d put it into context, seeing that he really hadn’t been truly happy since they’d signed that stupid marriage contract. He’d lost friends over it, even family, but he had Phil back now, and it finally didn’t feel like he was going at this entire situation alone. 

The only downfall Dan could think of this from their progress in the last year, was that now that they were close again, he was back to falling in love, something that had generally taken a pause for the majority of twenty sixteen. It’d been hard enough then, but this was just the cherry on top. By this point he almost felt numb in the centre of his confusing whirlpool of unrequited emotion and affection that he knew could never be returned. It was like a river that was eventually going to overflow, it’s murky waters threatening to spill out and flood the area though he knew the current would never really stop. 

He just hoped he’d have enough time before he reached his breaking point. He didn’t want to ruin what he and Phil had just recently rebuilt, but it was hard when all he could see when he looked at the raven haired man was a future he couldn’t ever have. 

So before he knew it, Dan was back to grasping for what was in reach with the knowledge that it was always just an inch too far away. 

Only this time he was more at peace with that fact, their mere platonic closeness nearly making up for it all. Even though it wasn’t what he’d ultimately wanted, it was enough to reassure him that he did have a best friend who loved him very much, and that was just fine by him. 

With their reestablished comfort, they often found themselves huddled close on the sofa together or reading Wikipedia articles side by side, acting the way they always had in the past when things were easier and no one had any expectations. Anyone who were to walk in on their friendly behaviour really wouldn’t have any doubt that they were married, only that still wasn’t the case and Dan was all too aware of it . 

Still, he didn’t complain when Phil wanted to cuddle after dinner, or hold hands in public even when they knew no one was looking– Dan just had to live with the fact that it didn’t mean the same to Phil as it did to him, but he’d already had an eight year head start on accepting that, so it wasn’t all that bad. 

Pressed against his side as they walked through the busy aisles of the London Underground on their way to visit Phil’s family in Manchester, Dan gripped Phil’s hand in his, pulling his small suitcase behind him with the other. It was one of the few times he was actually seeing his fake husband’s family in the three years since their fake marriage, and to say he was anxious would be an understatement. 

The only other two times he’d gone with Phil to see them, things hadn’t been all too well between the two, and it’d resulted in uncomfortable small talk before one of them stormed out or locked themself in Phil’s old bedroom, too frustrated to converse anymore. But they weren’t on bed terms this time, and Dan didn’t think he was entirely prepared to visit the Lester Clan like he had back before the contract. 

Sensing Dan’s nervousness as they sat squished together on the train, Phil squeezed his hand. “Nervous?” He asked quietly, as if not disturb the other one person in their small area. 

Dan hesitated a bit but then nodded, biting his lip and looking up into Phil’s ocean eyes. “What if I’ve fucked it up too much over the past years and they don’t see me the same anymore?”

Phil shook his head, smiling lightly and bumping his shoulder against Dan’s. “They’re not gonna love you any less, Dan, that’s just silly. My mum’s been calling you her son in law since she first met you, and I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.”

Dan nodded, turning back to face the window but leaning against Phil’s side. He actually hadn’t known of that little fact, but now that he did it made his heart soar a little bit. He loved Kath like a mother, and to know that she thought of Dan in the same light as her older son’s girlfriend reassured him that little bit that maybe the upcoming weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

And he was right in thinking that when they’d opened the door to be greeted by an excited family who loved them with everything they had, engulfing them in tight hugs and ushering them inside to feed them dinner. 

The weekend had been wonderful, really, and Dan didn’t doubt for a second more that the Lesters weren’t his family too. On Monday morning, as Phil was busy packing and Dan was helping Kath out with the breakfast dishes, he asked a question he never thought he’d ask someone like Kath Lester in a billion years. 

“Does love ever go away?” He questioned quietly, his eyes fixed intently on the dishes he was drying. 

He saw Kath tilt her head to the side out of the corner of his eye. “What do you mean, love?”

“Like, when you’ve loved someone for a really long time, does it ever fade?”

Putting down the plate she’d been scrubbing at and turning to Dan, she gave him her most sympathetic eyes, causing Dan to face her, as well. “No, not if it’s real,” she said. “And if it’s been eight years, then I’m fairly certain you’ll know it’s real.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. How did she know he was talking about him and Phil? “How do you know it’s been eight years?” He asked, worrying that maybe he wasn’t doing a good enough job at hiding his feelings. 

The sympathy in her caring eyes intensified as she looked from Dan to Phil, who had just come out of his room with their suitcases trailing behind him. “Motherly instinct,” she answered, just in time for Phil to tug on the hem of his jumper and let his hand linger there. 

“We should probably get going if we wanna catch our train,” he informed the two sadly. 

Dan and Kath each nodded in response, soon saying their goodbyes and hugging one another close before the two left again. The whole ride home, Dan was unable to stop thinking about her words, the way she’d been so confident and unbothered by Dan’s love for her son. It made him feel loved, and warm, and also absolutely hopeless, because if this wasn’t going to fade then losing Phil would be even harder. 

The rest of that year passed without many hiccups, and by the time New Years rolled around, they were completely back to normal, fallen into their comfortable rhythm once more. Dan knew he’d be sad when it was over, when the divorce was set into motion and they’d have to start acting as though they weren’t best friends anymore. That would be the worst part, he thought, and it was pretty much inescapable. 

Their contract would be over in mid March, and from then on they’d be able to dictate how their marriage would end on their own without the pressure of their manager’s orders. They’d made sure to stop posting about one another as frequently the closer their deadline grew, trying to make their declining relationship status seem realistic. Dan was rubbish at it though, and still spent most of his time taking creepshots of his fake husband and posting them to his Instagram story, as if that’d make people think they were having marital issues. 

The closer their eventual divorce grew, though, Dan and Phil eventually needed to sit down and talk about what would become of them after it all, when they were free. Dan didn’t think he’d ever say this, but he really didn’t want to stop being married to Phil. He’d grown so used to it, especially during the past year and a half, that losing that close relationship felt like more of a stab in the gut than pretending did. He couldn’t exactly explain it, but he knew he’d miss this, however fucked up it was. 

Sitting down around their small dining room table, Dan and Phil worked slowly at figuring out how this would all work, jotting down expenses and things they’d need to cover up as time eventually passed. 

“I think I'll move out when it’s over,” Dan commented, resting his chin in his palm. 

Phil seemed surprised at this. Confused, even. “Why would you do that?”

“Divorced couples don’t usually live together, Phil,” he explained, giving him the short and easy answer. The real reason was so he wouldn’t be able to miss it too much, so he wouldn’t be tempted to crawl into bed with him at night or kiss him when the cameras were on, forgetting it was all over now. He figured it was time to attempt moving on, regardless of how hard it would be. He couldn’t stay caught up over his best friend forever, so maybe distance would help. 

That, and when he finally decided to tell Phil of his feelings just before moving out in a few weeks, he’d have an excuse never to see him again when he rejected Dan. It would all work out okay, and he’d never have to look back again if he didn’t want to. 

“Oh, I guess you’re right,” said Phil, keeping his eyes down and his voice low. “I’d probably move out, too,” he added. “It’d be too big and lonely without you here.”

Dan’s chest hurt, but he ignored it. They were doing the right thing, he just had to remind himself of that. 

Over the next week, they each made little effort to clean up after themselves or pack up their things. It was as if neglecting to do all these productive things would somehow make it so neither would have to go their separate ways. Dan was starting to understand now that this was just as hard for Phil as it was for him, them ending it like this. They were both painfully aware that this wouldn’t just mean the end of their fake marriage, but it would also carve a hole in their strong friendship. They’d been next to each other in life for nine years, and having it all be ripped away because of a stupid contract they’d foolishly signed four years ago just seemed like a cruel joke. 

Dan was losing sleep over it, and if he was going by the sound of Phil’s late night pacing through their thin walls, then he was pretty sure he wasn’t alone. 

Neither wanted to say goodbye anytime soon. It just felt wrong.

They were cuddled close together one night, milking what very well could’ve been the last time they got that liberty as the television played old episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer before them. They were feeling nostalgic that evening and just wanted everything to be simple again. 

Everything was so complicated now. 

Dan’s mind was itching with unanswered questions and the knowledge that he might never know those answers if he didn’t bother to ask before their time together was through, and that alone had been crushing him the entire week. 

“Was it ever real for you?” He questioned, his voice quiet as he let his curiosity get the better of him. 

Phil gave Dan a confused look. “How do you mean, ‘real’?”

“Like, did you ever feel anything other than what the contract forced us into feeling?”

He was silent for a long while, making Dan afraid he’d asked the wrong question. He already had a strong feeling that the answer would be no, so he wasn’t even sure why he’d bothered asking in the first place. 

Phil’s answer came a surprise, though, and one that made Dan’s insides twist. “Yeah. I’d sometimes trick myself into believing it wasn’t all a lie, y’know? Like, I’d forget that we don’t actually sleep in the same bed, or kiss off camera. I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

Dan quickly shook his head, wanting nothing but to tell Phil that it was the same for him. “No, I get it. I forgot, too, sometimes.”

Oh, how he wanted to tell him of just how much he hadn’t ever forgotten, how constantly aware he was that none of it was real and that it didn’t mean the same for Phil as it did for him. He wanted to tell him just how hard it’d been to even accept that any of this was happening falsely, that he’d never in a million years expected to kiss Phil Lester –no matter how badly he’d always wanted to– and how the lack of passion and meaning behind it had broken his heart. 

Dan would love to tell him it’d been forever since he’d even bothered to lay eyes on anyone but him, how Phil had been the only one on his mind for so long that he’d forgotten how to talk to anyone else, too convinced that he’d never get over his best friend. He was still convinced of that today, as he sat with Phil’s arm around his middle and his head resting on the older man’s shoulder, never wanting to move and yet knowing he needed to. 

It felt like that river was finally flowing over and flooding every aspect of Dan’s world, mercilessly tearing down all of his walls and making his eyes sting as that little box of feelings in the corner of Dan’s mind pried itself open, leaving him exposed and raw. 

So he decided he couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t pretend he wasn’t absolutely head over heels for Phil Lester. 

“I love you,” he blurted, voice a tad bit louder than before. 

“Yeah, I know. I love you–“

“No,” Dan said sternly, cutting Phil off mid sentence to move away and look him in the eyes. “I mean I’m in love with you, like, properly. I’ve been in love with you since two thousand and nine.”

Phil stared at him, eyes wide and unblinking as Dan felt like he might actually be physically sick. He could feel tears threatening to spill over, though he was too determined to let them fall. Determined of what, though? He didn’t know. Maybe it was that he wanted an answer to the unspoken question that was ‘do you feel the same?’, or maybe he just needed the closure that he didn’t so that he could move out in two weeks and forget about it. 

Moving so that he was sitting up straight to match Dan, Phil swallowed thickly. “You’re in love with me?” He repeated, voice unstable and unsure. Dan didn’t have it in him to answer verbally, so he just nodded, hoping it would suffice. 

Phil was silent a few long moments later, and it was then that Dan knew he was alone in this. So he’d move out, they’d go forth with their divorce and he’d start making solo videos again. He’d cut ties with Phil, get a dog, maybe. In a few years, he’d perhaps be able to look back on it all and laugh, reminisce about that time he’d fallen in love with his best friend and it’d gone entirely south. 

And then; “Jesus fuck, Dan, are you serious?” Dan flinched, nodding and waiting for Phil to tell him to leave. Only his eyes softened and his voice lowered back to its normal tone, maybe even softer. “Why wouldn’t you tell me all this before now? Why’d you have to wait?”

Dan kept his eyes low, avoiding eye contact to the best of his ability. “Because I didn’t want to lose you,” he answered, voice barely audible. 

Phil scoffed. “Are you kidding me?” He asked, his hand sneaking across the sofa cushion below them to tangle in Dan’s, the latter looking up in surprise. “God, Dan you’ve had me for years. I’m so in love with you, you idiot. I’m yours.”

Dan was the shocked one now, mouth hanging open slightly ajar while he stared at Phil in disbelief. He was in love with him?

And then Phil was leaning forward in one quick motion, connecting their lips for what felt like the first time, though it really wasn’t. It felt real this time, unlike it’d ever felt before as their lips moved together, fitting against each other like matching puzzle pieces. And maybe that’s what they’d been all along; two pieces of a puzzle that had been jammed together in the wrong places for so long that they’d lost all hope in fitting together. Only now they did fit together, and it was better than anything either had ever felt in their lives. 

Dan leaned all the way into Phil’s touch, his free hand moving up to land in the soft of his hair and tangle there while Phil’s free hand grasped at the flesh of Dan’s hip, making the latter’s skin tingle. Their other hands were still clasped between their bodies, held tight and promisingly. Dan’s heart felt as if it were about to explode with happiness, his lungs short on air when he suddenly realized he’d forgotten how to breathe properly. 

Pulling away, Dan buried his face in the crook of Phil’s neck, moving his hand from the aforementioned’s hair to wrap around his shoulder. He breathed in the warm scent of his best friend, fighting those same tears from forming as he prayed to whatever higher power was up there that this wouldn’t end, that neither would have to go away. 

With Phil rubbing slow circles in the small of his back, hand occasionally catching on the hem of his jumper and causing the fabric to ride up a bit, Dan squeezed his eyes shut before opening them to stare at the wall behind Phil. 

“You love me?” He asked, as if to validate the actions that had just taken place. He couldn’t even begin to wrap his mind around the possibility that Phil might feel that way for him, but he was trying. 

He felt Phil nod, squeezing his hand a bit tighter. “Of course I do,” he replied quietly. “I’ll always love you.”

And just like that, Dan was sold on never leaving their apartment, never deleting Phil’s number, and never in a million years getting over him. Because if Phil was serious, then he wanted all he could get from him. He wanted to start over, he wanted second ‘first-times’ for everything they’d mucked up over the past five years, he wanted to crawl into bed with him at night and kiss him when the cameras weren’t rolling. He wanted Phil, and he wanted him forever, if he’d have Dan, too. 

So the contract was finally done with a few days later, and by the summertime, neither had moved out. There were no divorce papers, or tricky decisions to make, or painful transitions into separate lives that not Dan or Phil had ever wanted. There was never an awkward explanation to their fans that things were getting rocky, and when twenty nineteen rolled around, there still wasn’t. 

For the first time in genuinely forever, Dan wasn’t heartbroken at the thought of never having Phil like that, because he did have him. Dan was Phil’s, and Phil was completely Dan’s, just as they’d promised. 

They were sure it would take a while, but eventually they would renew their vows, this time with all the love and adoration that had been so diluted four years ago. There would be more friends, more family, and maybe Dan’s would actually be proud of him this time. Martyn would make another speech, however without the empty and lonely ‘good luck’ at the end. There would be laughter, and dancing, and smiling, and they’d both get the wedding day they deserved. 

But until then, they were happy enough as it was knowing that Dan loved Phil, and Phil loved Dan just as much. 

Oh, and they fired their manager.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and I hope you have a wonderful day <3


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